Do only civilised men get women,
Or do women civilise a man?
To describe myself as one of the long-term lovelorn is a little unfair as I’m actually quite happy with the total absence of requited love in my life. This is fortunate however as I suspect requiting it would be more than a bit of a challenge.
A sailing buddy of mine says he always likes to have at least one woman along on a trip as they “civilise” a boat. In this sense of being civilised; in the sense of being tame, tidy, domesticated and comfortably social I admit to being something of the polar opposite. I’m not full of cuddly anecdotes, I’m crap at small talk, I tend to clean things only when they absolutely need it and my culinary skills are perhaps better described as reluctant reheating skills.
I suspect many hopeless cavemen like myself feel they’re loveless for much the same reasons; it’s not the way we’re made and we’re just not cut out for it. Unfortunately though most of them struggle to be happy with it and go to embarrassing, cringe-making extremes to try and get a little love back in their lives.
The anatomy of despair
While I’d hate to lose the comedy value these guys provide I think I might have a solution for them. Because I’m starting to think that we’re looking at the cause-and-effect of this situation from totally the wrong end. It’s easy for clueless chaps like me to presume there’s just something wrong with us and that we’re simply not cut out for relationships but I’m not so sure we are the genetic cul-de-sacs we think we are after all. Could it be the other way round? It’s not that only civilised men get women but that the presence of a women in a man’s life simply makes him more civilised, in much the same way my sailing bud feels his boat is civilised by them.
I’ve been around long enough to see my mates at both ends of the relationship spectrum, from being beer swilling, pot-bellied, football and car obsessed troglodytes right through to being contented, or even occasionally happy husbands and fathers. Some of the most scarily hopeless, unkempt and malodorous specimens I’ve had the misfortune to share a confined space with have become suburban superstars, comfortable in equal measure at a church-fete or rotary club dinner. It’s the same man, but it isn’t.
If you start your journey in the world of relationships as a rounded, female-friendly guy you’re lucky. For the unselfconsciously scratching slobs amongst us it seems that having women in our lives tames our excesses and brings us into the social mainstream more; being in a relationship makes us much more suitable to be in a relationship. For us it’s just like going to the gym; keep at it and you stay fit, stop for a while and you run back to saggy, unappealing fat. Take away the civilising influence of a partner we revert to type and become far less likely to get another.
Having a woman in your life changes your life, it changes your outlook, your anecdotes and your manner. Not having a woman in your life changes your life back, and the longer you leave it the longer the haul back to civilisation.
The audacity of hope
So, perhaps Jane Austen was right all along in opening Pride and Prejudice with “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” There’s actually nothing wrong with us that a good woman wouldn’t cure, and therefore if you’re a bit of a Captain Caveman like I am all hope is not lost. Though I admit my cunning plan does have a rather obvious flaw. In order to become more civilised and therefore get a woman in your life, you need a woman in your life.
Tricky one that!
But then most worthwhile things in life don’t come easy and the hard work you’ll be putting in over the early days of getting your game back will yield plenty of that comedy value your mates and non-combatants like myself so prize and adore. Unlike most worthwhile things in life then, in this case it looks like everyone can be a winner.