In-action required

From: Corporate Reaction And Paranoia
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: Action Required

 

Dear Associate,

A recent security scan has identified that you have been engaging in breathing activity at your workstation.

The repeated inhalation and exhalation of air is a known attack vector for germs and other bugs which may result in yourself and other associates not being able to perform their duties effectively. It is therefore classed as a medium level business risk. Federal Financial Services cares about our environment and would also like to remind you that the carbon dioxide you exhale can harm our planet by contributing to global warming.

Remediation is required within 30 days.

Please review the options below and perform the appropriate remediation.

1. Desist from all breathing activity at your corporate workstation.
2. Review with your line manager any roles and responsibilities you feel depend on a supply of oxygen.
3. Consider disconnecting your windpipe from the rest of your body completely.

We appreciate your assistance in this matter and rest assured we will be sending a wreath to your surviving relatives.

 

Kind regards,

The Corporate Reaction And Paranoia team.